My hope for this post is that it finds all of the people out there who have spent the last year (or more) finding themselves, uncovering limiting beliefs, healing childhood wounds, and growing in their own truth. That might sound corny. I don’t care. If you’re reading this, I hope this is you. Over the last few months, I have fallen into a sort of depression. I thought maybe it was my Covid diagnosis. That maybe Covid had permanently messed with my brain (I still kind of think that it did in some ways…) or maybe it’s just that the world is re-opening and I have adapted to being a shut-in. (It’s probably also that.) But mostly I realized over the last year, I just really found me. The only problem is “Me” has always shown up for other people how I believe they needed me to. Sure, I thought I had ditched my people-pleasing habits long ago, but as it turns out, I still have some figuring out to do … mostly on how to be me in the presence of people, I would have previously altered my mental, physical, and emotional state for.
I Hope You Dance! If you want. Totally your call.
More and more I find myself seeing friends partake in an activity or a group gathering to do something and I think, “Nah, I’m good.” Previously, I would have felt obligated to step up and be a “good sport” or stay included as to not be seen as rude.
This upgraded version of me has found total peace with sitting things out that I don’t want to be a part of. It has also found confidence and “okay-ness” with not sitting out if I damn well don’t want to.
If I feel like dancing and being silly because it feels good and elevates my mood, then you best believe thats’ what I’m going to do. Even if everyone else is sitting this one out.
Step away from the group because I’m feeling a little overwhelmed and could use a break? Yup. Sign me up.
After spending an entire year tuning into my moods, emotions, thoughts, behaviors, and way of existing, why on God’s green earth would I actively ignore all of these internal signals? Hard pass.
Garth Brooks, I’m sorry.
Unfortunately, I’m still adapting to this whole following your intuition thing. Have you ever had that tingling urge inside of you to do something, stand up for someone or say something, and instead you suppress it and stay silent?
I mean, this is a feeling I have had so many times in life, I couldn’t even begin to tell you how many times it has popped up without warning.
However, since I’m working to be all in-tune and shit, I’m sad to admit that I ignored it recently.
Tom and I enjoyed a quick drink at a local brewery and since they were in transition to a new location, all of the tables and speakers were already moved to their new building.
As Tom and I sat propped on a mini stage in front of the window, a man at the bar turned on his phone and started playing Gath Brooks’s, “Friends in Low Places.” While it played he started singing along out loud. (Fabulous singing voice I might add.) This man openly gestured to everyone hoping people would join in.
I hoped they would too!
How fun would that be!
Why weren’t they joining in?
Why wasn’t I joining in!?
Damn. A perfect opportunity that I just let slip through my fingers for an entire 3 minutes and 45 seconds.
I’ll get ’em next time.
Who am I when I’m with you?
I have felt a disconnect and almost an anxiety around seeing people, even my longest kept friends. This is really because even though they have known me my entire life, I never let myself open up to them completely.
I learned to be the fun friend.
Give them encouragement.
If they are feeling passionate about something, pay attention. Back their opinion.
What happens when I stop holding back those things that I haven’t been saying?
What happens if I disagree with an opinion?
What happens if I don’t feel like making anyone laugh?
What happens when I realize my stories were really painful experiences that I tried to make funny or sarcastic to avoid the pain?
Who am I when I am not worried about hurting anyone’s feelings? I still care about their feelings.
Who am I now that I understand that I’m not in charge of their emotions? But how are they doing?
Who am I when I’m not worried about looking better than anyone? How do I get ready when I’m not doing it for anyone else?
Who am I when I am not worried about looking as good as someone? She is beautiful. That doesn’t take anything away from me.
Who am I when I am not constantly “on”? But I do love a good conversation…
Who am I when I’m not constantly worried about their opinions of me? Hey, I have less negative opinions of others. That’s kind of nice.
Who am I when I’m just…me? How does Me speak to people?
I’m not sure yet, but I’m figuring it out.
A mid-life crisis with emotional intelligence and no sports car?
We always grew up hearing about mid-life crises right? But I think oftentimes we just imagine some old, sad, bald, middle-aged dude who gets a sports car and a spray tan.
Mid-life crises have been seen as pathetic in a lot of ways, I think. Therefore, a lot of people are probably afraid to admit they are even having them. In reality…I think they are more of an awakening. A letting go of all the things we thougt we had to be.
The thing is, poor, bald, middle-aged men, (I’m stereotyping. My bad.), might not always comprehend that what they are seeking isn’t on 4 wheels. Or hell, maybe that is what they are seeking. Who am I to say? Maybe they were told their whole life that they couldn’t have a fun car because it wasn’t safe for the kids. Ugh. To drive a minivan when you really crave something with the top down. I get that. Good for you, man.
For others…it might show up the way mine is…a veil being lifted that starts to reveal little by little a glimpse of who we were this whole time. It’s like we shed all of the layers we had used to protect and shield ourselves our entire life.
Just imagine what we can do when the curtain is all the way up and the show can finally start!
You know what they say? Midlife is just half-time, baby. A lot can change after halftime.
So, my question to anyone who even remotely relates to any of this is…who have you wanted to be this whole time?
Did someone just beam me down?
The only way I can explain this weird feeling of having a deeper connection with myself is…it’s like a UFO sucked me up (let’s be clear, I don’t actually think this happened). They sent me back here with new eyes, a new perspective, and…OMG, I think they removed the filter from my mouth? This could be pretty fucking cool.
It’s like that guy, Edgar, in Men in Black…an alien takes over his body and as he walks around New York in his human suit, he tries to act casual and wave at people like he is totally normal. That’s how I feel. I’m an alien in an Edgar suit. Great. I could have gone my whole life without that comparison.
This could be dangerous.
I have told people on many occasions that my biggest life goal is to be the kind of old lady who will go check the mail in her bra and not give a hoot who is watching. I’ll wave to the neighbors. They’ll tell all their friends about me. Kids will avert their eyes and do their best to keep their bikes away from my driveway. It will be so freaking wonderful.
Because while all of them are on their way to their own awakening, I’ve already been there. I’ve done it. I’m to the other side. I stopped giving a shit years ago and now I can finally feel the breeze on my tatas. Ha. Totally carefree.
I guess that’s what happens to people who spend their whole lives feeling restricted and restrained from being who they were meant to be.
Eventually, they snap and overcompensate by checking the mail in their underwear. Just because they can.